My story about stress is probably not much different than yours. But how does your story end?
Stress…some of us manage it better than others. It can knock you down and push your right down the rabbit hole without the understanding of what stress truly is.
Stress is a reaction, much like anxiety and depression. We react and respond to our critical thoughts and we experience feelings of stress.
I spent a lot of my life in and out of this rabbit hole. I’ve been blessed (and cursed lol) with the willingness to learn things and how the human mind works was one of those things I love to learn about. The human mind is so complex yet, simple and it continuously fascinates me. I am no stranger to stress. I worked hard at “managing” stress. I would work out, read, dance, sing, write, get therapy. Stress seemed to creep back in no matter what I did. I wanted stress to be gone, I wanted to run from stress, I wanted to shop it away, eat it away, drink it away, vacation it away, road trip it away. Still, stress always came back.
“I’m a stress case, this is who I am” I told myself. I became sad that I couldn’t control it and started to believe I was broken or wrong for being “stressed”. This led me to depression and anxiety. Both, much harder to to recover from than from “being stressed”.
I spent years making myself wrong, broken and worthless because I felt I was terrible at managing my stress. I started to really believe I’ll never be enough, I’m not enough, I’ll never have enough, I don’t have enough. Every now and again, I would hit rock bottom and cry. I felt alone. If I was going to have this stress all my life, “what is the point?” WHAT THE EFF IS THE POINT TO BEING ALIVE?
These thoughts were all such a vicious cycle, beginning with my belief about “stress”. I went from making stress wrong to making it a part of “who I am” by accepting I was anxious and depressed and it was a physical thing I just can’t get rid of. I’d yell and scream and rage “Thanks for the genetics, mom and dad! It’s your fault I’m like this!” Blame felt a little better. Temporarily anyways.
Fast forward…years and years went by. There were little messages a long the way like, you need to change your thoughts. You need to get over it. You need to be more positive. You need to be around positive people. You need to CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS!
It makes me cringe thinking of all the books I read about “changing my thoughts”. What a complete load of bullshit. How the eff do you make your brain change thoughts? But, I spent years thinking I needed to change my thoughts. “Nope, you can’t think that, that’s bad! Think positive!”
There I was again, making my thoughts wrong or bad. And again, it shot me down that rabbit hole of thinking about my thinking and what I was thinking. Even writing that sounds confusing.
My waking up to a new understanding was a series of universal shock therapy.
With every message, I got closer to the way I understand stress now. I don’t have to own this thing I call stress, I don’t have to be stress. I am not my stress. I am having an experience of stress. I am experiencing feelings of stress. No ownership or attachment in those last 2 statements. Stress is just a word. We attach the feelings to stress. Joy is just a word. We attach feelings to joy. Oddly we seem to easily let go of joy, yet, attach to stress. They are both thoughts and feelings. It takes the same energy to let pass or attach to either one.
When you hold on to something or attach to it, it becomes a part of you.
Whether you are telling yourself you can not be negative or you need to be positive, you are attaching or holding on to that idea. That forceful energy IS shit and it sticks to every part of your body, your skin, your organs, your brain. This creates such dis ease in a body. DIS EASE…DISEASE. You’re whole being is gonna get so effing tired you’ll want to give up, and if you don’t, your body will somehow. It will show up in DIS-EASE. When you re-read what I wrote, you will see a pattern or cycle. Picture that little hamster running on his treadmill without a stop button and no way to get off. That’s your brain in thinking. That’s your brain, attaching to thoughts and feelings. That’s your brain, EXHAUSTED.
You may read this and you still might not get it. That’s ok. You are not wrong. If you are reading this, you may remember it one day when you say AHA! I get it! Or you may live your life in dis-ease OR this may be your AHA! Moment. If it is, please contact me! I want to hear your story.
In my journey, I have learned that I can not possibly create the life I want from my thinking. I’m talking about stress here so… I can not possibly create the life from my thinking about my stress and feelings of stress. I still have tough times and catch myself believing every thought I have. But, I am AWARE now. I can choose to own and attach to my thoughts or I can just let them pass like gas. Ever hold in a fart? It’s painful, ya? If only we could ask someone to pull our finger and relieve us of our “thinking”. hahaha
This is why I feel so passionate and driven to help others.
Every single one of us has amazing gifts that need to be shared with others. It’s so much more exciting knowing that I can create anything I want. I want YOU to feel that excitement as well. I want YOU to be able to laugh at some of the “not so ideal” choices you’ve made and are going to make. You’re a freakin’ human, not a robot! I want to help guide you into that space of knowing. The space that is quiet in your mind. The space where you see all things as love, light and beauty.
This is exactly what I have been called to do…and I know it.
Love and Light.